Excerpts from the book The Love of God by Bernard of Clairvaux (Classics of Faith and Devotion, 1983) – abridged and edited by Dr James Houston, Chancellor of Regent College. See Planning a Soul Full Menu
Bernard notices that Ivo is silent in the animated discussions of the community. Bernard tells Aelred to draw him aside. For Aelred, friendship and godliness are so profoundly integrated and he has a deep conviction of such a possibility. This runs so strongly within him that of all his works – “Spiritual Friendship” – is the most carefully argued and most well-written. For it suggests no subject was dearer to his own heart.
Conversation 1 of the “Spiritual Friendship”: The nature of friendship
Aelred: Here we are. You and I, and I hope a third is also present – Christ himself. Since no one else is here to disturb us, open your heart, and let me hear what you have to say.
Ivo: I deeply appreciate your concern for me. The Spirit of love Himself has shown you my heart. I do want to be instructed more fully about friendship in Christ.
A: I am unable to teach you anything about friendship, but we can discuss it freely. You introduced the subject rightly when you see friendship in Christ beginning and being perfected in Christ. But how do we enter into discussion about this subject?
I: Not by describing friendship as a relationship in a vacuum.
A: “Friendship is mutual harmony in human and divine affairs” argues Cicero, “together with benevolence and charity”.
I: What did Cicero mean by “charity” and “benevolence”?
A: Perhaps he meant by “charity” affection and by “benevolence” he meant expressing that affection by deeds.
I: That seems right. But it could apply to the pagans and Christians alike. I am convinced, however, the that true friendship can only exist between those who are really living in Christ.
A: Yes, the definition is perhaps imperfect, but it may be cleared up…..Love of a friend is like a garden, where we can rejoice in his joys and weep in his sorrows (Rom12:15). Even the philosohers of this world have noted that friendship is not transitory; its virtues are eternal. For says Solomon, “He who is a friend loves at all times” (Prov 17:17). If it ceases, then it proves it never was real friendship, according to Jerome (letters, 3:6)
I: Yet we do not expect such a high standard. Real friendship is very rare…. Even now, under Christianity, real friends are very few.
A: Yet the Christian should not despair and give up. “Ask and you shall receive” (Matthew7:7) is the promise. It is not surprising that pagans have no such hope. Through faith in Christ, the early Church records not 3 or 4, but thousands of such examples of friendship, for “the multitude had but one heart and one soul…having all things in common” (Acts4:32)
I: Is there no difference, then between charity and friendship? Are we not compelled to love both our friends and our enemies? (Matt5:44; Luke6:27). Yet we can only call those our friends whom we can entrust our hearts.
A: ….Worldly friendship is prompted by the desire to have temporal and material advantages…. Spiritual friendship …. is desired for the dignity of its own sake. Its fruition occurs simply because the Lord of the gospel commands that we should bear ‘fruit’. That is to say, that we should love one another (John15:16)…. It is only this which provides for real community…
As I see it, the human soul by creation has desired friendship. Experience intensified its desire, and the sanction of law confirmed it….The original, universal friendship God intended for mankind – like wisdom also – became corrupted….
I: …. do you mean to say about friendship what the friend of Jesus says about love: God is friendship (1John4:16)?
A: That would be an unusual way of putting it, yet that is what Scripture sanctions, saying: “He that abides in friendship abides in God and God in Him” (1John4:16)
Conversation 2: The maturity and fruitfulness of friendship
Walter: Do you remember the conversation you once had with your friend Ivor on spiritual friendship?
Aelred: Indeed I do remember my dear Ivo. His consistent love and affection will always remain with me, even though he is now dead. For his spirit will be all the time with me. His devout countenance still inspires me, and his charming eyes still smile upon me…
W: ….this splendid discourse on the nature of friendship only makes me want to ask all the more about the purpose and value of friendship.
A: Since friendship bears fruit both in this life and in the life to come, I cannot presume to explain all about its benefits. (Aelred goes on to talk about the earthly benefits such as bearing of burdens, blessings, happiness, joy to have someone share your plans etc Ecc 4:10, Gal6:2, Book of Wisdom 6:16)… How much more, then, is the friendship of God. For our Saviour says, “I will call you not servants but my friends” (John15:15)
W: I admit you move me deeply and intensify my desire to have such friendship. But above all, I desire to see how the love of God in spiritual friendship may be more fully developed. I know that, among the stages of spiritual maturity, true friendship is the very highest. But here comes Gratian, whose eagerness for friendship makes me call him friendship’s own child.
Gratian: Thank you, though I feel like an intruder into this august conversation. For if I am really ‘friendship’s child’ and you are not just jesting with me, then I should have been here at the start of this talk together.
A: Do not think, my son, that we have exhausted the subject already. But to bring you to where we are, notice how friendship is but a stage toward the love and knowledge of God. 1Cor13, true love is always holy, voluntary and true. This true friendship shines forth with special qualities joy, security, and sweetness.
